"Foul Mouth Freddy and The Wrong ****ing Wagon"
A Flintloque Scenario by Tony Harwood
Miniature Converted, Painted, Based and Photographed by Tony Harwood
Freddy's latest venture takes an unexpected turn when a group of local wine barons mistake his wagon for one laden with something rather more potent.
Freddy and his Posse were once again at an absolute low, forced to perform menial and degrading tasks; the various recent scams and particularly that last misadventure in the Loose Tongue Goblin Tavern had meant that the whole regiment had been put on charge and it wasn’t even Freddy’s fault!
Well most of it wasn’t Freddy’s fault.
Well not all of it was Freddy’s fault. Honest.
As the group of comrades plodded through the cold and mud, various curses were heard, and as any follower of our foul-mouthed sergeant knows those expletives could curdle fresh milk. Step by step, the red-coated Orcs of Albion marched across the foothills of Al-Garvey, transporting worthless trash from the very overcrowded and unhygienic army camp to a long disused quarry. Once there the rubbish was dumped and the empty carts escorted back. For over a week this state of affairs continued and moral in this once respected group of brave RifleOrcs was at an all-time b***dy low.
But as any regular reader will know Freddy will always find ways of making a few shekels from even the shiftiest of situations.
During the second week, Freddy and the wagons took a wrong path and on their way home they passed a small farm. The farm was nothing much to speak of, except for one thing - the largest of the stone barns held a huge wooden wine barrel. I think you can see where this particular story is going! Freddy inspected the vat (and the wine), then (after sampling the wine again, and again) decided to negotiate with the farm’s owner, a very shrewd business-Goblin to transport some flasks of wine (see footnote 1) back into camp and sell the product at a small profit.
OK, a large and obscene profit – these Orc Redcoats (as you well know) will drink almost anything.
The first flasks were smuggled back into camp without incident – well who would suspect Freddy of anything so underhand?
Sorry, I’ll rephrase that question...
With more ill-gotten coin to buy even more wine, Freddy’s next trip to the quarry was slightly less onerous. On the way back the group stopped off once again at the farm and hid many more flasks (and even the odd barrel) in the empty trash wagons. As you can expect the profits were even greater.
For over a week, this state of affairs continued and all was well.
The situation was perplexing the senior staff, as moral was definitely up, others (who had sampled the wine) were wondering where this new source was coming from. Questions were beginning to be asked – The main one being; where can I get a bottle?
I think this situation might have either been allowed to continue or at the very least have had a ‘blind eye’ shown to the smuggling if the ‘official’ wine suppliers to the Army of Albion in Catalucia had not seen shipments and demand fall. Most Catalucian Barons, saw the Army of Albion as a ‘cash cow’ and were happy to ‘milk this same cow’ for all they could get, skimming the cream, so to speak. These same Barons set about trying to determine from whom and where the new supplies were coming and placed Goblin spies in the Orc camp. Even so Freddy, our cunning Freddy had taken some precautions and hid a lot of what he was doing from many in the camp – either ‘greasing palms’ with wine-funded gold or threatening the weaker population with promises of a good beating if they were to spill the beans. It took the spies over a week to even suspect Freddy of being behind this operation.
But as with most of Freddy’s plans and schemes, the truth won out. The spies reported the situation back to their fat cat employers and pretty soon plans were being put in place for the smuggling to be curtailed. Curtailed for good.
At around the same time a small group of visiting Dwarves were billeted in the camp, the Dwarves accompanied by a huge oil-cloth covered wagon were only supposed to be staying with the Redcoats for a day or so, but poor weather meant that they were stuck in camp for almost a week.
When the bad weather finally broke and at long last the sun shone again, both Freddy with his wagons of trash and the Dwarves with their covered wagon left camp and headed in roughly the same direction. This continued until Freddy turned off the main track and in to the quarry singing the odd ditty – ‘My Olde Man’s a Trashman’ (see footnote 2) ; The Dwarves carried on.
About half an hour later there was an almighty explosion which could be heard for miles around, in fact as Freddy was heard to say b***dy **ll the ****ing ground moved! The Dwarven wagon – an ammunition supply wagon had been ambushed and attacked by the Wine Barons and their supporters, who not realising it had attacked the wrong wagon. Believing it to contain contraband wine they had set fire to the wagon and the subsequent explosion was the inevitable result, in fact the subsequent huge b****y crater was the result. With an explosion this big, any chances of survivors were pretty slim.
Freddy and his Orcs were in two minds, either check out the explosion or pick up the wine and smuggle it back in to camp and enjoy their profits at the regimental gambling table. I think you can guess which option won out and later that day Freddy was strolling back into camp with even more bottles, flasks and barrels of wine.
However the camp was in uproar. The huge explosion had unsettled the troops and the officers were trying to find out what had happened and if there was any danger to the regiment. Sim-san, in his usual manner was not helping matters and his uncertainty was evident. One of the younger officers suggested sending out a patrol to check on the situation, just as Freddy came in to view of the commander’s tent. Sim-san saw a marvellous opportunity to get rid of that Foul mouthed Orc sergeant and summoned Freddy over then through clenched-teeth gave him the following order.
“Go and investigate that explosion and report back to me as soon as possible, if you do this right I will arrange for you to being taken off the ‘Trash Detail’ and re-instated as a true and loyal soldier of Albion.”
Freddy was in two minds and b***dy uncertain as to what to do next. If he was to succeed in confirming what had happened to cause such an explosion, then he would be welcomed back in to the regiment proper and the trash detail passed on to some other unsuspecting individual, however what about his most recent money-spinner, smuggling contraband wine into the camp? This latest scheme was proving to be very lucrative and favours bought with either cash or bottles of wine were indeed making life in the Army of Albion very b****y bearable.
What will our dear Freddy do next?
As a standalone scenario this short action is ideally played between three or four forces and an umpire who is willing to take liberties with dice rolls to make the game move more freely.
A four foot square table should have a road running from East to West. In the centre a HUGE b****y crater (I might have found a use for those plastic craters (See footnote 3) from Games Workshop which have sat un-painted in my shed for so long). Add some debris around the crater and decorate the rest of the table with bushes and rocks.
Freddy and the Posse (arriving from the East) – the group has already been carefully recorded on previous occasions and as usual try not to get Freddy killed, I need him for future adventures.
Freddy’s Aim or Objective
To succeed in reporting back to Sim-san that the wagon containing ammunition had been ambushed and destroyed – it does not necessary follow that Freddy should relay the whole truth and various actions and stories of how the wagon was ambushed could be fabricated to improve Freddy’s standing with the senior brass. Is there some way he can have his cake and eat it?
Our greedy Freddy and Posse will have D6 bottles of wine each hidden around their person at the beginning of the scenario
Goblin / Catalucian Force (what remains of the mercenary soldiers from the Wine Barons will be situated in the centre of the board) – try to ‘engineer’ a Goblin/Dark Elves force that is about equal in number, but well below the level or skills of the Redcoated Orcs.
Roll a D6 – 1 to 4 and the force will be leaderless, 5 and a lieutenant will be in charge, a 6 will mean that at least one Baron survived and he will be ‘baying for blood’.
Goblin/Catalucian Force Objective
To successfully thwart any attempt by Freddy to smuggle any more wine into the Orc camp. I suggest that the most inventive of plans should be rewarded by the impartial umpire – think Dick Dastardly schemes.
Ferach Force (from the West) – A group of passing Ferach have been alarmed by the explosion and come to investigate the Big Bang. Being inquisitive ‘pointy-ears’ they should act in character and ‘bundle-in’ with both feet. If they could leave with one or two bottles of wine – then all the better.
To both assess and control the situation or at least look like they know what they are doing. The commander will want to write a very detailed report to headquarters. Additional points or victory conditions could include how well the report is written or how many bottles of wine they leave the table with.
Guerrilla Force (dice for North or South entry) – A group of Dark-Elf guerrillas who were intrigued enough to check out the explosion. They will obviously hate the invading Ferach, detest the un-clean Goblins and have some grudging respect for the loyal Orcs Redcoats.
Kill as many Ferach as possible. Remove as much wine from the table as they can and try to impress the Redcoats with feats of daring-do.
And remember Foul Mouth Freddy Scenarios are all about having fun. Enjoy yourself.
(1) Wine tasting Notes
This cheeky little white wine owes much to the local tradition of mixing different grape varieties from local farms and fermenting the mix in one large wooden barrel. The resultant brew can have variable results, but usually produces a drinkable if not long-lasted wine with strong alcohol content, which is declared on the barrel with XXX’s, one X = passable, two XX = good, three XXX = very good and four XXXX = exceptional. However this is Goblin Wine so any suggestion that this is a recognised or official guarantee of quality should be quickly dismissed.
In this case we have a XXX wine with acceptable alcoholic volume, which is in part down to the adding of Cider Brandy after fermentation has taken place. This fortification produces a long-lasting wine, with a dark, golden-brown colour and a predominant nutty flavour.
If I was being polite, I would recommend drinking it with strong meat such as Roast Pork. If I was being truthful, I wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole (although it could be used to clean the barrels of the Bakur rifles).
(2) The singing of such songs or ditties should be encouraged (and rewarded) by the umpire.
(3) Additional debris could be broken wagon wheels, damaged boxes or pieces of cracked matchsticks as well as scattered dead bodies or body parts, depending on how gruesome you want the table to look.
Like many of Freddy’s adventures, this short story is at least in part based in fact. The names of the (not so) innocent have been changed, but I am personally well aware that there was once a very well rehearsed and frequent (not to mention lucrative) scam of smuggling beer cans in trash bins.
Foul Mouth Freddy Will Return in 2017 !
The above short story is an Orcs in the Webbe original and was first published on December 4th 2016 as part of the 2016 Advent Calendar.
To see the complete adventures of Foul Mouth Freddy simply click on the maroon tag just below and to the left.