"¡The Dog-Emperor Maximilliahound of Chihuahua!"
A Flintloque Background Article by Danny O'Hara
Discover how a younger sibling of the Östarian Emperor Klaffenhound rose to prominence in the far off lands of Eldorado...
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The Dog-Emperor was the consummate royal personage - detached, polite, yet painfully stupid - as the baying mob of Dark Elves jostled His Imperial Majesty and two aides up the hill to the cemetery, to face their firing squad, the smiling Östarian was heard to remark: "It does one good to involve oneself in the festivities of the poor, what?". Then, as the officer of the firing squad came forward to offer the condemned their blindfolds, the vacant Maximilliahound shook him by the hand, saying:
"Hello!...and what do you do?"...
The Revolution in Chihuahua
Like most of El Dorado, the "cactus-province" of Chihuahua broke into rebellion on the fall of Catalucia to the Ferach. The province had always been difficult to govern, due to the difficult terrain and rebelliousness of the people. Before the arrival of the Catalucians, Chihuahua had been inhabited by a race of small dog-people, who were adapted to local conditions. But these were eradicated by the invaders, and left only strange ruins in the deserts.
After the fall of Catalucia, the first true rebel was the Catatonic Priest, Father Hidethegoldo. He announced that his village would no longer pay taxes to the authorities, and gathered the local farmers together in the village shrine. The regional High-Priest announced that Hidethegoldo had broken all religious and secular laws, and threw the rebel priest out of the Catatonic religion. The somewhat direct Hidethegoldo then marched his peasant army to the High Priest's Palace, and laid siege to it. The frightened High-Priest reinstated Hidethegoldo, and "donated" a large treasure to the rebel coffers...
More peasants flocked to the rebel flag, and a march on Cactus City was organised. With Hidethegoldo at the head of the march, the peasant army were halfway to the capital when they were met by a Royalist force. This quickly cut down the poorly-armed peasants, and dragged Hidethegoldo all the way back to Cactus City - he had his parade through the streets, but not in quite the way which he had intended!
But the rebel spirit lived on, and the famous Moronos led the second rising. This time, the peasants were trained and better equipped. Winning several engagements with the Royalists, the fighting-priest became overconfident, and announced a "Republic of Chihuahua", with constitution, before marching on Cactus City. Again, the rebels were defeated by a Royalist Army, but this time it was a much closer contest, and the rebels just melted back into the hills.
Other rebels now joined up, including the cattle-raider Aston Villa, the ex-Royalist officer Carlos Santaner, the Peasant General Emilliano Zapitapata, and various others. Between them, they threw the Catalucians out of Chihuahua, and established Moronos' Republic, with the charismatic Generalissimo Carlos Santaner as its head. The new mood in Chihuahua was jubilant.
But the economy of this impoverished new nation was based entirely on cattle and cactus - which could not sustain it! But, at this crisis point, a discovery was made in the arid Chihuahua Mountains - the largest natural source of saltpetre yet found, which was a vital ingredient of black powder!
The Ferach Emperor, Mordred, greedily heard the reports of such an important strategic item in the hands of a ragged Dark-Elf Republic! It would, he decided, be easy to take this little state and drain it of resources for his insatiable war-machine...but, he thought, perhaps a little subterfuge would make the feast that much sweeter?
His aides worked on a pretext for war - and found a somewhat tenuous argument with the Republic. On his triumphant entry into Cactus City, Santaner had ordered a large feast in his honour - which had been a resounding success. But, the rebels had no money and so all of the caterers were given IOU notes from the new Republic. Of course, these had never been honoured, and as the Chihuahuans had more to worry about than a group of disgruntled chefs...but one of these, a pastry cook, was a Ferach...
This indignant High Elf, deciding that the future was far from profitable in Chihuahua, had returned to Armorica, where he sent the unpaid bill to the Ferach Government for "His Imperial Majesty's attention". Of course, the thing was filed and forgotten - until some high-powered administrators ordered a record-search for anything related to the Republic of Chihuahua! The bill was taken, and an Imperial Decree (signed by Mordred) attached. Then a fleet of warships and transports was organised for the invasion. They set sail for the New World.
On a bright summer morning, Generalissimo Carlos Santaner sat eating his breakfast by the coast, a review of his Regular Army (ex-Royalist troops) being carried out on the hillside below him. Then an aide approached, nervously - "Your Excellency, there is..er..a Ferach delegation on the shore...". Santaner spluttered, then got up suspiciously and looked out to sea - where, to his great surprise, he saw a large Ferach fleet at anchor! A small group of Ferach officers had landed, and were obviously waiting for him. He approached their leader, who handed him the Pastry Bill and Imperial Decree. According to this, he and his Government had to pay compensation to the chef, and also (due to the trouble which this incident had caused for His Imperial Ferach Majesty) hand over control of the saltpetre mines to the Ferach. Santaner laughed out loud, at which the Ferach officers bowed and returned to their fleet.
The Generalissimo quickly ordered his troops to form up by the coast as a demonstration of Chihuahuan military might to the Ferach. But the Ferach ships opened fire, and one of the first shots hit Santaner, blowing off his right leg! The Chihuahuan troops fled...(As an aside, the leg was later buried with full military honours!). Shortly after, the Ferach Army landed (and captured the President of the Republic!). It was all going smoothly so far for the invaders.
The Ferach set out for Cactus City, expecting but little resistance from the Chihuahuans, but some of the officers (veterans of the savage guerrilla campaigns in Catalucia) advised caution. The Ferach commander, General Pierre Lorienne, then asked the captive President for his opinion on how to approach the Capital. The Dark Elf disingenuously answered:
"Why, I would march straight along this road - through the easiest country and straight into the defenceless city!".
Lorienne, expecting Santaner to be leading him into a trap, ordered a diversion through the hills to the south of the city, then turn north to circumvent the suspected ambush on the main road...but these hills were the northern fringe of Zapitapata's holdings. The Ferach found themselves embroiled in some short but sharp skirmishes with Chihuahuan "irregulars" (Zapitapatistas)...then they blundered into the combined Armies of Moronos and Zapitapata, with irregular cavalry led by Aston Villa. In a fierce battle, the conquerors of the Old World were defeated by the peasant rabble of the New. The battle became known as Pueblo ("People") due to the confederation of troops present. The Ferach were chased back to their fleet, and left the coast of El Dorado...the Chihuahuans hoped that they had gone forever. But Santaner disappeared after the battle - it is thought that one of the routing Ferach killed him, though his body was never found. He was announced as a "Martyr of the Republic", and a dispute broke out over who would be the next President.
Back in Armorica, Mordred was furious at this defeat, and was about to order an immediate re-invasion. But there had been complaints from the East Valonian Secessionists about the overt Ferach invasion of one of their neighbours, so he decided to proceed differently. He needed a neutral leader for his next invasion - and his gaze fell on a particularly irritating member of his court...the Östarian Prince Maximilliahound.
A younger member of the litter including Kläffenhound, he chaffed at his older brother's overbearing manner, and left the country when Kläffenhound ascended the throne. Wandering Valon, he entered the High Elf court as Mordred took control. Despite the acute annoyance which Maximilliahound caused to Mordred and the other Ferach nobles, Mordred realised that a spare Östarian royal family member could be useful. But, up to now he had found no real use for the Dog Prince (who seemed to be eating him out of house and home!). Perhaps this was the time? After all, hadn't Chihuahua originally had a sort of Dog population, and didn't Maximilliahound always say that he should be an Emperor by rights? The Östarian took little persuading!
Organising a new multi-racial invasion force (including an Östarian guard for Maximilliahound, a solid core of Ferach, some Chihuahuan Royalists, Todoroni, Gnomes, Bog-Orcs of the Guinelian Legion, and even a unit of Othari Janissaries!) and a covering Ferach fleet, he sent Maximilliahound off to capture and hold a Ferach-backed Empire of Chihuahua. As an "advisor" to the vacant Maximilliahound, Mordred sent his trusted General Fèlagonde to prevent the inept military planning of the new Dog-Emperor from getting to the Army directly!
The Republic of Chihuahua was in a state of civil strife when the Ferach returned. Moronos wanted to be President, Zapitapata wanted the entire country to become a Peasant Commune, and others like Aston Villa were returning to banditry. The initial invasion by the Imperial Army was almost unopposed - but a stray shot from one of the few Chihuahuans who fought against the Imperialists managed to hit and kill General Fèlagonde! Now in actual charge of his forces, Maximilliahound plotted a bizarre march across Chihuahua. The Republicans, quickly settling their differences to fight the invaders, set off to defend their country. But, by sure fluke and lack of any reasoned plan, the Imperialists avoided the main force of Moronos, blundered through swamps (which suited the Todoroni) and parching deserts (which didn't!) to fall on the Republican supply lines and seize Cactus City! The stunned Republicans turned and attacked the now defending Imperialists, with first Moronos, then Zapitapata, being heavily repulsed by the Imperial Army. Going back onto the offensive, with the Republican Army shattered, the Imperialists established order throughout most of Chihuahua - Moronos was hiding in the mountains, Aston Villa was off into the desert, and Zapitapata's hill-farmer communes were being steadily whittled away. Thus was Maximilliahound established as His Imperial Majesty, the Dog-Emperor Maximilliahound of Chihuahua. Building a new palace in Cactus City, he sent back to Armorica for his somewhat neurotic poodle wife - now the Empress Isobella of Chihuahua. The Emperor disliked the cactus-beer and tequila of Chihuahua, and set up beer breweries to make his favourite tipple. He created new roads, with regular trees alongside (in traditional Dog fashion), and initiated other public works. But the Chihuahuans still thought of him as an invader...
Needing his Ferach troops elsewhere, Mordred ordered the removal of most of these to Armorica, leaving Maximilliahound with a largely Dark Elf Army. But the rebels were still curbed, and the Emperor basked in his false glory...but it could not last.
With the fall of Mordred, and the consequent demoralisation of the Imperialist Army, the previously low-key struggle by the Republicans erupted into a new and fierce fight for the land of Chihuahua. Zapitapata had been gradually regaining ground and strength in the hills, and Aston Villa had formed a new bandit/rebel gang in the desert. But, during the Imperial period, a Republican Government in Exile had formed, and a new figure - the politician Benito Shureis - emerged as its' leader. He appointed Aston Villa and Zapitapata as his two generals (Moronos had risen with his troops before the final Ferach withdrawal, and was still recovering in the Chihuahuan Mountains), promising full implementation of Peasant Rights to Zapitapata, and control of the deserts to Aston Villa. These two began a series of campaigns against the faltering Imperialists (who were handicapped by the weird and wonderful orders of the Dog-Emperor, often inspired by his Empress), which resulted in them meeting outside Cactus City. This time, however, the Imperialists were a weak and disintegrating force, and easily overcome by a combination of the Peasant Army and the "Division del Naughty" of Aston Villa. Capturing the Dog-Emperor, he was shot by firing-squad as the Empress looked on...she was, quite literally, barking mad after this.
After this refounding of the Republic, Shureis was installed as President, and immediately set about breaking all of his promises! The simpleton Moronos was made Commander-in-Chief of the Chihuahuan Army, and Zapitapata was ordered to return land to the haciendados who now backed Shureis! Aston Villa was pretty much left to his own devices in the desert, and after his raid on Teczaco he was attacked by Moronos and the Republican Army. Zapitapata rebelled against his erstwhile allies, and was eventually murdered (or was he?) by the Republicans...so Chihuahua is not settled yet!
Wargaming the Maximilliahound Campaigns
The Republicans are a mixture of Guerrillas and Militia units. Aston Villa's raiders, Zapitapata's Peasant Army and most of Moronos' troops are Guerrillas, wearing typical Chihuahuan garb (sombreros, white cotton clothing, ponchos/serapes, etc.). "Regular" units such as Santaner's forces would be in Catalucian or Ferach style uniforms, and mainly Militia.
The Imperialists are a mix of Ferach, Todoroni, Othari, and Gnomes (try Finkelstein Dwarfs for these!), all in their "normal" uniforms, and with their standard characteristics. Maximilliahound and his Dog Guards wear a Ferach-style uniform, but are otherwise treated as Östarians.
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Webmaster's Notes
The above Flintloque background was originally published on Danny O'Hara's excellent Flintloque website, Weird Wars, way back in March 1999.
The article was first published on Orcs in the Webbe on the 9th December 2024 as the ninth entry in that year's Advent Calendar and, of course, is part of Orcs in the Webbe's ongoing Flintloque Archive Project.
Danny passed away a few years ago now and I miss both him and his fantastic contributions to the world of Valon.
Any comments in maroon in the article above have been added by me either to provide additional information or clarity. I may also have made small changes to grammar and layout but have not marked these.
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