"Arm Wrestling with Foul Mouth Freddy"

A Foul Mouth Freddy Tale by Tony Harwood

Miniatures painted, based and photographed by Tony Harwood.

We find out about Freddy's time with The Soiled Bayonet, a group of Albion Orcs who were specially seconded and trained in supernatural warfare and tactics...

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Over the years there have been many tales of daring-do and high adventure featuring out erstwhile anti-hero Freddy, but due to OrcsGuard red tape and official sealed papers this most recent story has only just come to light.

The background details relate to a secretive organisation called the Soiled Bayonet, a group of Albion Orcs who were specially seconded and trained in supernatural warfare and tactics. The escapades of this and other similar regiments have been highlighted in a number of recent books and like the Silver Bayonet Society (SBS, L detachment) their exploits have become legendary. One such group of Soiled Bayonet Orcs had recently returned from action in The Peninsular and were enjoying some well earned rest and relaxation (drinking and debauchery) on a small island in the Albion Channel and comfortably billeted in a rundown drinking hall on the cliffs edge they proceeded to enjoy their new surroundings and wenches. Each night the rowdy Orcs would drink, sing and scuffle with great enthusiasm and merriment. On the seventh night, just after midnight a great beast over eight feet tall and with skin the colour of putrid flesh strode into the drinking hall and after fighting with a number of drunken Orcs, dragged one of the revellers outside and tore the poor fellow limb from limb.

At first the remaining Orcs were a little sceptical of the story, but when the same happened on the following night, and again the night after there was some consternation and both drinking and noise subsided for a time. However it just so happened that later that week the group was visited by a certain sergeant Foul Mouth Freddy and if there was to be a resumption of drinking and debauchery, then this fine visitor was to be the catalyst.

Two nights of more drinking and revelry resumed with no sign of the murderous beast. There were some who began to doubt the very existence of such a creature and some of the less well meaning or less kindly Orcs openly mocked those who stated that they had seen this apparition. The following night during a particularly rowdy drinking session, the halls doors were flung open and the unwelcome beast returned, he fought with many and even after shots were fired, which seemed to have no impact continued to run rampant in the hall. The beast eventually left taking a wounded Orcs with him and next morning the dismembered remains of the Orc soldier were found at the bottom of the cliff in front of a huge sea battered cave.

Freddy would entertain no notion that such a creature could not be killed and his plan was simple (as are ALL Freddy’s plans). That very night after the Orcs had once again drunk and sung, the whole group would wait for the beast and when it entered the hall they would open fire with all the weapons at their disposal.

Things did NOT go according to plan.....

At midnight the doors were flung open, the enraged creature bounded into the hall and even after many rounds were fired (with little or no effect), the beast grabbed one of the smaller Orcs and tore him to pieces, then grabbing another close by Orc he ripped the soldier to shreds before leaving and sauntering off back to the cave. All in all many Orcs had been wounded, many shots had been fired and all with no discernable effect on this superhuman being.

Freddy had to rethink his flawed XXXXing plan.

That night Freddy waited alone for the beast to come. He sat in silence and waited, but no beast came.

Again the following night he did the same and once again no beast came.

Something was different, but what?

On the third night Freddy and the Orcs once again drank and sung – this time more loudly than ever and just after midnight the beast appeared, but this time Freddy was ready for him and gestured with an outstretched arm for the beast sit across the table from him and engage in some ‘friendly’ arm wrestling. After what seems like an eternity Freddy bested the huge beast and instead of taking another desperate Orc with him, the beast left with drooped shoulders and a neglected shrug while noisily sucking its thumb!

All was well, Freddy had out smarted the beast and surmised that this beast was summoned by the noise of revelry of the Orcs and was also immune to any metal weapons. Freddy had used his cunning to beat the monster and vowed that the very next night all the Orcs would party like it was 1884. And this is exactly what they did; drinking more than usual and making so much noise that it should have woken the dead.

It didn’t wake the dead what it did awake was the beasts mother, who was at least 12 foot tall and unlike the earlier beast had a mane of long scraggly red hair that reached almost to the floor, knuckles that trailed on the floor and tits that drooped like deflated pigs bladders. All the Orcs were dumb struck; all that was except for Freddy who once again gestured to the table and took up a position to arm wrestle this huge she-beast.

The wresting lasted for ages, with both Freddy and the beasts mother jostling for position but once again Freddy was victorious and when the challenge was over the beast’s mother stood to depart, but before taking her leave, she whispered to Freddy and tore off some of her red hair and handed it to the now exhausted Freddy prior to leaving.

There has been much re-telling of this tale, some say that the Beasts mother invited Freddy to accompany her home for some ‘after hours entertainment ‘something that would have been very XXXXing acceptable to our Freddy, others that she congratulated Freddy on his immense strength, but the truth is that she just asked if the Orcs could keep the noise down a little as it was interfering with her young sons sleep and he needed his rest.

Freddy still wears the red hair cockade in his Shako as a matter of great pride, in fact a number of his posse have also taken to wearing red favours in or on their head gear, Freddy – something of a trend setter?

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Author's Notes

The beast and the beast’s mother could easily be played by any Hobgoblin character model, but try to get a figure with no weapons, as the story is based on hand to hand fighting as bullets or edged weapons would have little or no effect on these two.

It should also be obvious where the inspiration for this Foul Mouth Freddy story originated, but just in case – check out Beowulf the Olde English poem or better still Google the animated story and watch it on youtube.

Happy 2022 Advent from Freddy and his posse.

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Webmaster's Notes

This article was written exclusively for Orcs in the Webbe and was first published on the 3rd December 2022 as the third entry in the 2022 Advent Calendar. 

You can read all the previous adventures of Foul Mouth Freddy by clicking on his maroon  tag  just below and to the left.

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