"Where Beaglez Dares"

A Panzerfäuste Scenario by Luke Passingham

Newly located in a mountaintop retreat in Dûn-Nomin, Entwickler - pride of the Ausdenkerkorps - has been working on a another invention that could change the very nature of warfare throughout The Land. Little did he know that the Orcs had not only found his secret lair but have already stolen the plans and are in fact about to make thier escape...

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Following the 'incident' at Glompeii that has seen his Zinn Mann concept move into production (but at the cost of an entire mountain being destroyed by molten lava, and the loss of his loyal lackey Guntsling) the infamous Hauptmann Entwickler has relocated his research lair to the secretive and remote Geheimnis Schloss, high in the mountains of Dûn-Nomin, an ancient fortress once abandoned but now reclaimed by Dwarven high command for top secret operations, including the storage of certain sensitive artefacts and top secret documents. Squirreled away in the snowy reaches of the mountain range the pride of the Ausdenkerkorps has begun experimenting with a new device, one that could allow Dwarven Fallschirmjager to mount swift, decisive airborne assaults with unparalleled speed and mobility – if it can come to fruition without burning the Schloss to the ground in the meantime.  

Unbeknownst to him however, his new creation is due to see field-testing far sooner than anticipated. Two months ago a crack team of Orcish commandos, under the command of Ugruk ‘Beaglez’ Beaglinton-Darcy, commenced a stealth mission to target Geheimnis Schloss and lay their hands on a cache of especially secretive secret documents. Masters of infiltration, the Orc commandos have climbed the nearby peak of Mount Dangereaux and from there infiltrated the Schloss disguised as especially ugly washerwomen. Once inside they struck with lightning precision, blowing up large parts of the fortress as a distraction before helping themselves to the documents and fighting their way back to the courtyard ready to make their escape.

There have been losses on both sides, but Beaglez and his troops have been more than a match for the defenders so far. The Orc Captain has led from the front, sword in one hand and pistol in the other,  egging his boys on by shouting encouraging posh nonsense like “Tally Ho!” and “Zing Zang Spillet!”, and they are now within reach of the walls.

As luck (not to mention dramtic licence) would have it Entwickler has reached the courtyard himself at the exact same time, accompanied by his sinister armoured bodyguard and kitted out with all sorts of technological terrors of his own fiendish design.

With Entwickler and his troops closing in, the only escape is via a smoking, out of control cable car over vast yawning precipice, where the wrong step spells certain doom – if Beaglez dares!

Setup

The battlefield should be setup as follows:

The left hand side of the table represents a section of the wall of Geheimnis Schloss. Set up a small area – the size is up to you, but roughly 36cm (at least two moves for Dwarves and Orcs to cross)and sprinkle it liberally with terrain to represent rubble from the exploded walls and general castle clutter. There needs to be enough for all starting models to be in cover, firing at each other. Position the Dwarven forces at the table edge, whilst the Orcs should start 24cm (one move) from the cable car.

The right hand side of the table represents the top of the neighbouring Mount Dangereux. You can easily represent this with a small hill (or a pile of books if you don’t have one). There is a single piece of cover on this side: a small mound of snow. This seemingly innocuous mound is in fact a hide carefully built by the Orc sniper, Bog, to conceal himself from the keen eyes of the Dwarven lookouts. You can represent this with a small wall, half a ping pong ball, or a small bush. Bog begins hidden here.

How far apart should the mountain and the Schloss be? This is something that can be decided by the players during setup: a longer distance makes the game tenser, as well as harder for the Orcs. I think 45cm should be enough to make the scenario fun (giving the Orcs three turns to surive on top of the Seilbahn, see below).

Between the mountaintop and the Schloss runs a small cable car or Seilbahn. This is in effect a small metal box, large enough for a half-section of Dwarves to stand without banging their helmets on the ceiling but too small for any more than a couple of Orcs, emblazoned within and without with rousing runes glorifying the great and noble Kaiser Alberich and the superiority of Dwarven scientific method. The car is attached to a pulley which itself runs on a length of high tensile cable rigged between two stout metal posts, enabling it to run between them by means of a cunning steam-and-clockwork generator housed within the car itself. In game terms you can easily represent this with a piece of card no roughly 5cm x 10cm. The cable car begins the game next to the Schloss, ready to depart on the following round. (You can also Build Your Own Seilbahn - see the end of the article for downloadable plans! - Craig, Editor)

The Orcs begin in possession of the documents in a handy dispatch satchel, which can be given to any model they wish. They should take the first turn.

Special Rules

Riding The Seilbahn

The only means of escape from the Schloss is via the cable car – so this one is important.

The Orcs have fired up the generator far beyond its normal temperature by stuffing it with everything flammable they could possible find (wood, spare uniforms, pricey tapestries and several crates of Bratwurst and Schnapps) and then jammed the door behind them as they left. This means the inside of the car is filled with thick, black choking smoke as well as the pleasing aroma of cooking sausages – this, plus the door being jammed, means no models may enter it during the course of the skirmish. Instead they may only embark via the roof: any model may clamber on or off the cable car roof as an action (half turn). Whilst on the car roof a model may move and act as normal, but any model moving off the roof whilst it is in transit between either the Schloss or the mountaintop is removed from play as a casualty as they plunge thousands of feet to their snowy demise.

The overheating cable car is running roughly three times as fast as normal, and will move 15cm at the end of each Dwarven round between the Schloss and the mountain. When it reaches one or the other it immediately stops, even if it has any move remaining, as it bashes into the cable support post with an alarming crunch. Next round will immediately begin heading back in the other direction, meaning it will be in constant movement between the two points over the course of the game (I know this isn’t how things would really work, but please suspend your disbelief for this scenario – there’s a lot stranger stuff going on that this)

The cable car is made of finest Dwarven alloy and cannot be damaged in any way. The Orcs have stacked explosives around the base of the support post on the mountain side, but cannot detonate this until the end of the scenario (see victory conditions, below). The Dwarves cannot risk blowing up the support post in the Schloss – to do so would leave them all but stranded, only able to get off the mountain by means of a six-week hike across treacherous and icy paths – plus Entwickler would not be happy to see his cable car destroyed, so this option is not available to them during the game.

Bog Oddkins

Bog, an albino Orc, has taken great care to disguise himself from being spotted by any Dwarves. To this end he has stripped down to his (stained, but still white) underpants and hidden himself inside a small snowdrift. He has sustained himself thus far with several flasks of hot sweet tea but, as he says himself, it’s cold enough to freeze the oddkins off a brass boggart and Bog can no longer feel his own oddkins, toes or several other parts of his anatomy. His fingers are in better shape as he has been clutching the flask of tea so he can at least fire his rifle, but he is certainly not in peak condition to do so.

Because Bog is so cold he suffers a penalty of -1 GUTS to all of his shots and can only move at half normal Orc speeds. In addition every two rounds Bog must reduce his guts by an additional -1 as he heroically fights off severe hyperthermia.

Bog can, if he wishes, set his rifle aside for a couple of rounds and instead get dressed. It takes Bog two full rounds to get dressed, during which he can take no other actions and does not benefit from being in cover as he hops around jamming his boots on etc. Once dressed Bog can ignore the effects of the cold and is treated as any other combatant.

Launch All Zig

Entwickler has equipped a number of his less valuable troops with earlier prototype versions of his Einmannfleigendrakete-rucksack, and as the Orcs make their escape he may well decide to use them.

Entwickler may commit his Einmannfleigendrakete-rucksack troopers to the fight the first Dwarven turn after the Orcs have boarded the seilbahn – he will not wish to risk them before this time. Once this condition has been met he may launch one trooper per round (in strict Dwarven militaristic fashion each trooper can only be launched after performing the required (worthless) safety checks). In game terms assume there are unlimited troopers and prototype packs – there isn’t, but its unlikely Entwickler will run out of them before the scenario ends.

The prototype rocketpacks are far inferior to the one Entwickler himself is wearing, and the Dwarves using them are unable to do much other than blast themselves at a target and hope for the best. Therefore they must follow the following special rules:

Rocket troopers may be launched at any point on the table, including the Schloss and the mountaintop.

Roll 1D6 and consult the table below to determine what happens to the valiant trooper. Viel Gluck!

If the table indicates the trooper’s landing is inaccurate, scatter each trooper 2D6 cms in a random direction. If the scatter indicates that he lands on another model place the trooper in base to base contact instead, and -1 GUTs to each figure. Note that Dwarves who land in the gorge (ie. neither in the Schloss, the mountaintop, or on the seilbahn) are removed as casualties as they plummet to their doom.

If a rocket trooper lands safely he may throw off his pack and join the fight in the subsequent round – treat him as a standard Dwarven Grenadier as per the Dwarven forces section of the scenario but with the explosive pack trait (see below).

Any trooper other than Entwickler wearing a rocket pack is, in effect, carrying a large and volatile tank of jet fuel on his back. If a rocket trooper is subsequently reduced to 0 GUTS due to gunfire roll 1D6. On a roll of 1-3 he detonates as per a grenade, showering all nearby with napalm, singed beard and chunks of flesh.

Inventive and sadistic players may wish to improvise funnier rules for the rocket packs involving Boba Fett-style mishaps and Dwarves flying everywhere when struck – the possibilities here are endless.

Orcs! We Are Leaving!

The Dwarven forces in the Schloss far outnumber the commandos, but they have been scattered and confused by the raid and cannot bring their forces to bear. However the longer the fight goes on the worse it will get for the Orcs – each round a new Dwarven grenadier may enter at the table edge, Schloss side. It can be assumed there is enough Dwarves still alive for this to happen until the end of the scenario.

The Orcs aim is, of course, to exit the table with the stolen documents. These begin the game in possession of any model the Orc player wishes (aside from Bog). The Orcs can transfer the documents between troops who are in base to base contact by spending an action doing so. If the document carrier is killed mark the spot where he died to indicate the satchel of documents is there: any model in play (including Dwarves) may then pick them up as an action.

Dwarven Forces

Hauptmann Entwickler

The infamous Hauptmann Entwickler has had a fruitful time at Geheimnis Schloss. Although initially looking to research some kind of ice ray that would freeze enemy troops solid, he found his attention turning to a quicker means of navigating the treacherous slopes of the mountains and after a few unsuitable ideas he has settled on a device he calls the Einmannfleigendrakete-rucksack: essentially a converted flammenwerfer, modified to use its flames to propel the wearer at speed through the air, and controllable with a number of small knobs and levers. There have been a number of teething problems but he feels is starting to get somewhere with the current design. Whilst equipped with the Einmannfleigendrakete-rucksack Entwickler may choose to make a flying move of up to 28cm instead of his normal move, ignoring all obstacles (it may be assumed he is hovering above the ground). Whilst flying Entwickler cannot attack with, or be attacked by, hand to hand combat attacks although he may be targeted by gunfire normally. Because the pack is so heavy Entwickler’s ground movement is halved, unless he chooses to remove it (can be done as a free action – Entwickler has cleverly added quick release straps). However if removed the rucksack cannot be re-equipped during the scenario. If Entwickler is reduced to below 2 GUTS his rucksack does not explodes as per the special rules above, but instead he is sent spinning out of control and away into the sky like a bearded, flaming, cursing Darth Vader. Not only does this remove him as a casualty but the cheering sight gives all surviving Orc models +1 GUTS.

In addition, because the rucksack is quite unstable, if Entwickler fires his panzerkancker whilst airborne he is immediately propelled backwards 7cm in a direct line away from the target, regardless of if his shot hits or not. If this brings him into contact with a piece of terrain or another model he loses -2 GUTS.

As well as the Einmannfleigendrakete-rucksack, Entwickler hurriedly kitted himself out with a number of his own fiendish devices before rushing to aid the Schloss defence. These include razor-mittens, snow-blind goggles (anti-Balrog variants), spring loaded battle socks, extendable spoons and his infamous helmet-dwelling night vision frog. All of these have no game effect, especially the frog, which dislikes the cold intensely and is refusing to communicate with Entwickler at all. He is also armed with a small portable panzerkancker. The Panzerkancker is an experimental high velocity rifle that fires rocket propelled bullets that increase in speed the further they travel. The stats are as per the normal Dwarf rifle but with a +1 GUTS modifier at short range, +2 at medium range and +3 at Long Range. Entwickler is an Experienced Dwarf Regular and as the leader of his section has a starting Guts value of 10. He is also carrying a pistol.

Der Stabinator

The true name and history of the Dwarf now called ‘Der Stabinator’ has long been forgotten. Employed by Entwickler as a bodyguard and clad in impressive steel armour, it is rumoured this silent and sinister Dwarf has been subjected to terrible experiments by his master that have left him more machine than Dwarf (this is not true) and has forsaken all traditional Dwarven pursuits like Weissbier, Bratwurst and even songs about gold and instead now lives only for stabbing (this is true). Many foes have been stabbed by Der Stabinator – it can’t be bargained with, can’t be reasoned with, doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear, and absolutely will not stop until you’ve been stabbed! Der Stabinator is a Veteran Elite Dwarf with a starting GUTS of 11. He (or she, nobody knows) is equipped with special armour designed by Entwickler, based on his Zinn Man concept giving him a save on all damage on a roll of 5 or 6. However, this armour also makes it igh on impossible for him to move faster than a slow walk, restricting his movement to 3cm per round. He is armed with a large stabbing sword, which gives him +2 in Close Combat.

Korporal Keen

Korporal Keen is a young and enthusiastic Dwarf. A great admirer of Entwickler, he looks to impress his idol at all times and has been breeding his own night vision tadpoles inside an old boot his barracks. His colleagues see him as a suck up and an idiot but he is desperate for Entwickler to notice him and prone to take foolhardy risks to ensure this. Keen is a green regular Dwarf and has a starting Guts value of 6.

Dwarven Grenadiers

These make up the garrison of Geheimnis Schloss. They have been scattered throughout the Schloss by the Orc attack so not all of them can come to bear in the courtyard- eight begin in play, as per the set up instructions, but more will arrive over time. Each turn randomly generate a Dwarf using the following tables:

1-3: Elite
4-6: Regular

1-3: Green
4-5: Normal
6: Experienced

They should be armed by miniature weapon type. If you roll the same value for both Experience and status (doubles) then immediately generate another Dwarf.

Orcish Forces

(All Orcs should be armed by weapon type on the model)

Captain Ugruk ‘Beagelz’ Beaglington-Darcy

Heir to the vast Beaglinton-Darcy Bog Octopus fortune, Urguk – or ‘Beaglez’ to his chums – has been a constant disappointment to his father when he discovered that charging around smashing stuff up was a lot more fun than bossing peons about and coming home smelling of swamps. A chap can only have so much fun hunting wild krampus on his own estates, but enlisting in the commandos has given him every opportunity to jump out of things, kill some things, and then charge off into the night, usually clutching some stolen things. He volunteered for this mission immediately and a six week hike up a mountain in the freezing cold has not dampened his enthusiasm one bit, although he is growing a little tired of the taste of snow-weevils. Beaglez is a Veteran Regular Orc and as Section leader has a starting GUTS of 11.As well as this he also carries “Urrrgghh!”the ancestral sword of the Beaglinton family, ‘liberated’ from its display case back home, much to his fathers annoyance. This counts as +4 GUTS in Close Combat  and comes in handy should there be any close combat aboard the seilbahn or against Der Stabinator.

Lt. Stave-em

Lt. Jay’zon Stave-em, so named for a feat of great heroism involving some escaping wounded, a narrow bridge, a large plank of wood and seventeen smashed Dwarven skulls, is by far the toughest member of the commando team. He is known for his ridiculous hard man acts such as eating iron nails, punching rocks to bits for looking at him funny and once headbutted a bear tank, and views this little expedition, which has so far involved climbing up a mountain in sub-zero temperatures, as ‘a bit of a laff’. Stave-em is an Experienced Regular Orc with a starting GUTS value of 9.

Doctor Clevacloggz & Boots 38

Fearing (rightly so) the possible intervention of the nefarious Entwicklwer on the mission, Orc high command has assigned one of their brightest and most expendable boffinz to the commado team:  Dr. Clevacloggz. A thinker of some repute in Boffin circles, ClevaCloggz also suffers from strange and terrible delusions that aliens have put something in his head and are now trying to telepathically control him to do their evil bidding. To avoid being driven insane he wears a tin foil hat of his own design, carefully wrought to block out their voices (at least most of the time).

Clevacloggz is accompanied by his assistant, Boots 38. Boots 38 is not his real name, but Clevacloggz has long since given up learning the names of his aides and instead simply refers to them by number. He always calls them Boots, because usually that is all that’s left of them after an experiment goes wrong (notable exception Boots 23, who was turned inside out. That was a messy one).

ClevaCloggz and Boots are Normal Regular Orcs with starting GUTS values of 8 and are equipped with an enigma machine (See the rules in the original Panzerfauste Skirmish booklet). Clevacloggz also has a nice packed lunch that Mrs. ClevaCloggz prepared for him and has one portion of each: Spam, Carrots and Cuppa Cha.

Interestingly, Dr Clevacloggz HAS had some kind of transmitter put into his head by aliens. Each time Clevacloggz takes damage (from any source) roll 1d6: on a roll of 1 or 2 his hat has been destroyed and he commences being driven mad. Each round he forfeits his normal move and instead moves 1D6 cms in a random direction, babbling nonsense about Kaleds and invaders from Skaro although he may attack and otherwise take actions as normal if able. This could prove extremely dangerous for him if he loses his hat whilst on top of the seilbahn.

Private Bog

Bog is a true rarity in that he is a purely albino Orc. Mocked from birth by his peers for his weedy, sickly ways, he enlisted in the commandos in an attempt to prove himself as ‘well tough’, something he has succeeded at in spades, showing particular aptitude as a marksman. He is employed by the team as a sniper, often watching their progress from a far-off, hidden location where he can pick off enemies that the rest of the squad cannot get a clear shot at or handle (indeed the cry of “Bog help me!” is not uncommon to hear once the bullets start flying)

Bog is an Orc regular Veteran with a starting GUTS of 10 and is armed with an enhanced rifle that gives him +1 GUTS on all rolls (subject to his penalties for being cold as described above). Because he has just drunk his tea (Cuppa Cha), he has +2 to his starting GUTS (technically making it 12, but the starting max is limited to 11 in Panzerfaute Skirmish).

Private Oldbean

Private Oldbean is generally regarded as the strangest member of the commando squad, a dour fellow who communicates mainly in odd phrases such as “What ho!” “Cheers old chap!” and “They don’t like it up’em!” and so on, never drinks tea and doesn’t enjoy the taste of a proper Yorkshire Pudding. The rest of the squad ignore this odd behaviour because he has proved himself time and time again a valuable member of the team and an all round good egg. – BUT - unbeknownst to them, Oldbean is not an Orc at all – he is instead two Dwarven agents, the devious Merterstacker brothers, who have infiltrated the commando team. Their disguise is made possible by means of a large hessian orc costume, worn by both brothers at once, one standing atop the other.

At the start of the game Oldbean is simply mixed in with the unnamed Orcish commandos – he does not have a model of his own. At any point during one of his turns the Dwarvish player may reveal any one of the commandos to be Oldbean by throwing off his disguise – replace any of the relevant Orcish models with two dwarves, one of which may immediately act as normal (the other must spend one full round struggling out of the legs of the Oldbean suit, and may not act until the following round). Of course, the Orcish player will be aware this might happen and should therefore be wary of how he divides his forces.

Whilst disguised, Oldbean is equipped identically to any of the Orc commandos below. When revealed, Merterstacker brothers are initially armed only with small knives (count as hand weapons) although either of them may spend his round picking up Oldbeans discarded weapon at which point they may be considered to be armed with it. The Merterstackers are Normal Regular Dwarves with starting GUTS values of 8.

Orc Commandos

These handpicked commandos make up the remainder of the team. There are six of them, and each are Normal Elite Orcs with starting GUTS values of 10.

Victory Conditions

Victory conditions for this scenario are as follows:

The Dwarves may win in one of two ways:

1) The Orc forces are wiped out.

2) Any Dwarven model in possession of the documents exits the table edge in the Schloss (the Dwarves may not leave the table edge on the mountain side of the table)

The Orcs win if any of their models is able to exit the table whilst in possession of the documents. At this point they will detonate the explosives they have stacked around the base of the seilbahn support post, causing the cable car to drop into the gorge below, killing all aboard. This has no effect on the game (the Orcs have already won, after all) but can be a good vengeful thing to do for an Orcish player if Entwickler is aboard or they have found the game especially taxing and would like some petty revenge.

If the documents should for some reason go over the edge of the cable car they are lost forever in the snowy wastes. This means the Orcs can no longer win the game – however they can still force a draw if at least one of their models is able to escape. The Dwarves can still win by killing all the Orcs.

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Author's Notes

Hopefully this scenario will give you some fun ideas for more. The commando’s stealth raid on the Schloss is something I thought about doing here but felt it would stretch things out too much, but would be perfect for another game. How about the Orcs and their partisan allies making a fighting retreat down the mountain whilst being pursued by dive-bombing, rocket-pack-wearing, lunatic Dwarves? If (or more accurately when) a rocket-pack explodes on a snowy mountainside, could this cause an avalanche?

Finally what’s in the documents? Could it be plans for a secret sonic weapon that only Bogglez-Wurf can stop? Or simply Entwickler’s shopping list? There’s a lot of interesting possibilities.

Enjoy! 

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Build Your Own Seilbahn

As a special bit of Christmas fun for its readers we have put together a little something you can make to enhance your game. A papercraft Dwarven cable car (the images are just thumbnails, click on the PDF to download the model)...

Seilbahn Paper Kit v1.0, 3.4mb PDF

Webmaster's Notes

An Orcs in the Webbe Original! This scenario was written exclusively for Orcs in the Webbe and was first published on the 7th December (just!) 2015 as part of it's 2015 Advent Calendar.

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