"Monkey Business"
A Flintloque scenario for four players and an umpire by Tony Harwood
Painted, Based and Photographed by Tony Harwood
Foul Mouth Freddy and his group of Unlikely Heroes must sneak into the town of Atria searching for urgent supplies whilst Orc redcoats and Elf marines settle an old deep set grudge.
~
Freddy was in trouble – “What’s new?” You may ask, well, this time it was real bl**dy trouble. The sort of bl**dy trouble that tended to get you killed.
Usually Freddy’s ‘trouble’ was one of three things; gambling, drinking or women. After years of practice Freddy was pretty bl**dy adept, albeit in his own unique way, at dealing with each one. This time however, it was all bl**dy three and a ****ing monkey on a stick as well!
It had all started about three weeks ago. A number of red coated Orcs had started to complain of itching, in itself not a serious or uncommon problem, the thought of which barely had Freddy scratching his crotch. However, within days some of the She-Orcs had come down with an even stronger or more virulent version and before long the itching was the least of their worries. Blotchy skin followed by sickness and, in many cases, death soon followed.
There was concern amongst command but thankfully so far there had been no panic. Doc had once again quarantined the camp, as he had done back when Bunny Flu reared it’s ugly head. No-one in, no-one out. This time however things were much worse. The stench of death clung to the camp like grease on a gun barrel. Idle talk was turning to fearful moans. The red coats whispered of pox, pestilence and even plague. Doc needed more time but he knew time was not something they had a lot of.
Something had to be done.
Freddy was more than a little concerned, not about the plague. **** that. That was Doc’s problem. Freddy had other things on his mind. Rumour had it that someone was buying up all his IOUs - wager slips, gambling chits, everything and that didn’t sound good. After all there were a h*ll of a lot out there. Most were simple strips of paper with a couple of drinks on or a packet of tobacco, some however, were much more of a worry and if someone claimed them all could easily have ruined Freddy, sending him off to debtors prison with no hope of ever seeing the light of day again. Needless to say, most of Freddy’s debts had been drink induced, so even Freddy was not aware of exactly how much he owed, or to whom.
After a particularly harrowing day in camp - Sentinal had taken three of the camp’s Orc ‘seamstresses’ and they had only just been buried under a spade-full of quick-lime - Freddy sat in his bedraggled tent and wistfully eyed the last of his rotgut brandy, he was just reaching for the bottle when Doc entered, closely followed by his medical bag. Doc’s medical bag was a bit of an oddity in the camp in that it had two ducks feet sticking out of the bottom and ‘waddled’ after Doc in a very un-natural way wherever he went...
Doc sat on the edge of the camp bed and pulled a flask of quality Ferach brandy from his dark blue jacket. After taking a swig, he passed the flask to Freddy who, still bemused at the Doc’s presence in his tent but never one to turn down free booze, took a good long draft and handed it back – h*ll that was good grog. The silence lengthened, Freddy leaned forward and was about to take the bottle back when the silence was eventually broken by Doc.
“I need you to do something for me,” said the regimental surgeon, “something dangerous and possibly illegal. Well, actually, definitely illegal and very, very dangerous.”
“And why should I even bl**dy think about such a stupid ****ing thing?” sneered Freddy, eyeing the flask of premium brandy.
“Firstly,” the surgeon icily replied, “because it is your duty.” Which had no bl**dy effect on Freddy at all.
“Secondly,” he continued, “because I will make sure you get a whole barrel of this Brandy.” Interest stirred in Freddy’s mind.
Freddy interrupted, “Why don’t we just play bl**dy cards for it.” He started reaching for his ‘special’ deck, “winner takes all.” hooted Freddy.
The answer, it must be said, was not at all what Freddy had expected.
“Because,” said Doc, “I already own all of your gaming IOU’s and if you don’t agree to this mission, I will call them in – every single last of them.”
“****!” said Freddy.
~
What followed were orders that Freddy broke quarantine and left camp, head towards the Catalucia coast to a small fortified town called Atria and once there secure a quantity of the local tree bark - Atrinine - and bring it back to camp. All within the next three days. As Atrinine, when dried and crushed into a fine powder, acted as a natural remedy that would hopefully cure the Orcs of their current maladies before they all were claimed by Sentinal.
There was however, as the Doc put it, a ‘snag’. The port town of Atria was well behind Ferach lines and deep within contested Dark Elf territory. The ‘snag’ got bigger as Doc explained it was guarded by the local militia. Oh, and a group of very well equipped Ferach Marines. Both of whom would look unfavourably on their medicines being taken. Oh, and - as the ‘snag’ turned into a full on ‘rip’ - Atrinine is produced by a syndicate of extremely harsh barons. Barons who prefer the medicine to be sold at a very high profit on the Black Market.
“****!” thought Freddy.
~
Within a few hours Freddy, Mad Micky, Trickie Dickie, and of course, Viragio left that evening, taking only a small amount of supplies, with only three days they needed to travel fast and light.
It was just after lunchtime on the first day, on a quiet rocky section of track, when Freddy and the group were met by a squad of Red Coats from the Albion town of Hartlesspool. The regiment, also known as The Monkey Hangers, was well know to Freddy. H*ll, the bl**dy Monkey Hangers were known to all the bl**dy soldiers in the bl**dy Grand Alliance.
The Monkey Hangers had got their name after a Ferach Galleon from Lyonese washed up on shore, all hands killed or drowned. The only survivor was a small monkey, dressed as a midshipman with a miniature sailors uniform and even a bicorne. The people of Hartlesspool, realising that all attempts at some retribution against the evil Ferach Empire was lost to them, preceded to place the monkey on trial. In a mock-court case the monkey was found guilty of treason, sentenced to death and hung. The hanging was a great civil affair, with Orclings being given a day off school and street parties held throughout the town.
The hanging of a Ferach monkey was later reported in the Illustrated Londinium Times (as well as other lesser broadsheets) and the heinous crime received great coverage in both Ferach and Empire papers. The people of Hartlesspool and by association any regiment from the town were hated and universally now know as the Monkey Hangers.
Freddy didn’t care about any bl**dy monkey, he was hoping to get the Hartlesspool red coats to join him in his mission. Freddy was lucky, the regiments leader, Josiah Wedgit, was keen to accompany him (well known as he was throughout the Grand Army of Albion) and insisted that they would follow Freddy to the ‘ends of the earth’ in whatever capacity they could. A good deal struck, Freddy was now in charge of his original little company along with a regiment of mad Red Coats. And as long as they didn’t drawn any undue attention with any silly mascots like a dead bl**dy monkey as a standard they’d be fine.
“****!” thought Freddy as he saw their standard, carried proudly by a young red coated Orc, complete with manky deceased monkey hanging from a tiny little noose. “Sentinel help them all.”
~
Back in Catalucia, in the little unassuming town of Atria, the Ferach Marines were honing their shooting skills by holding marksmanship contests and their sword fighting with daily lessons in the noble art of fencing. These ‘pointy-eared ba****ds’ as Freddy would no doubt have called them, were really very well trained.
The Captain of the marines was not in fact not just any Ferach Captain, oh no. He was the brother of a another Ferach captain. One who’s Galleon had been destroyed by some dreadful cowards from Albion, who not only sunk one of Mordred’s fine ships, but even went as far as hanging the innocent ship’s mascot tying it’s reins to their regimental standard. Oh, if this Ferach Marine Captain ever came face to face with those Albion scum - those pigs of Hartlesspool - Buon-Partee help them all.
You can probably see where this story line is going...
~
As the sun rose on the second day, long shadows from the mountains where Freddy surveyed the scene, were cast towards the town of Atria. It’s white-washed stone walls, terracotta tiled roofs with dark blue sea behind all reminded how good a day it was.
“A good day to ****ing die.” thought Freddy. As the sun shone off the beautiful sea, he pondered how years of drinking and gambling had got him into this situation. He thought of changing his ways once the war was over...
“**** that.” said Freddy as he took a massive swig of fine Ferach brandy (he’d had to bring a sample from the Doc to remind him why he hadn’t just scarpered after all). Freddy needed a plan. A ****ing cunning one at that...
Unsurprisingly, Freddy’s plan was simplicity itself but also, he thought, bl**dy cunning. He’d had the idea after finishing off the fine brandy (by way of some wine the red coats had lost to him at cards, and some beer Viragio had found, not to mention some rotgut he’d thought might go to waste). The Hartlesspool Orcs were to make a full frontal assault on the small town, allowing Freddy’s small section to sneak in and get the life giving medicine. Josiah Wedgit, keen to impress this legend of Albion, puffed out his chest over his not inconsiderable waist as Freddy gave him his orders.
“I want you to show these bl**dy up-start Ferach who’s bl**dy boss! Show them that an Orc Redcoat is not to be ****ing underestimated. Show those ****ing pointy-eared ba***rd intruders that Catalucia is not for ****ing them!”
A cheer resounded from the red coats. Josiah lined his Orcs up and they unfurled their huge regimental banner. “There it was,” thought Freddy, “the bl**dy fools have got that fetid monkey carcass tied to the top of the standard as usual despite being leagues into Ferach territory. Bl**dy stupid fools. Didn’t they realise that any Ferach within a hundred miles will be baying for their blood. Freddy smiled and thought to himself, “I bl**dy well hope so anyways or my whole cunning plan goes to ****.”
As the garrison of Ferach Marines rose from their slumber, a sneering Ferach cry was heard. “Mun Kay ‘Ang ‘Ers!”
This was going to get messy, just as Freddy had planned...
~
Freddy, Mad Micky Hooligan, Trickie-Dickie and Viragio slopped off to the left, their plan was to sneak into the town by a less direct route, hoping that the distraction would allow them to find the Atrinine and then sneak back out. If The Hartlesspool Redcoats could produce enough noise, then maybe this simple plan would work.
As the Ferach Marine weighed up the Orc Redcoats and the Redcoats did the same to the Marines, a third force, some Catalucian Guerrillas peaked their heads out from their small adobes. Much less disciplined than either Ferach or Albion, it took some time for them to first dress and then muster. It took even longer for a plan to be devised. In the meantime the first shots of black powder and clouds of grey smoke could be seen in the distance.
The noise had one other effect. The local barons were awoken from their sleep. They were not happy, usually they slept in until well after noon, they were mainl. They quickly hatched a plan (they were good at hatching plans) and sent messages to various gang members to protect the Atrinine production sites, it could be a trick and they wanted to make sure that profits were not affected by this little skirmish. They did not however, think to reinforce or send mercenaries to the pharmacy, situated near the harbour wall and along the quayside.
Setup
You should include as many buildings as you have in your collection for this. The entire table should represent the twisting streets of Atria with one edge representing the harbour. You can nominate one building to be the pharmacy before the game or mark a few buildings as potential targets, leaving Freddy and his Unlikely Heroes the task of searching each one for the necessary medicine.
Scenario Forces
The forces should be split as shown below with the objectives as detailed below:
Freddy’s Unlikely Heroes
Foul Mouth Freddy
Veteran Orc Regular
Armed with an Orc Bessie Musket.
Skill: Loud and Foul Mouth - Freddy has a coarse tongue and uses it often and well, In melee all mortal enemies suffer a -2 to their melee roll when fighting him. Undead are however unaffected.
Trait: Daisy Roots – Due to the size of his large previously-owned-by-an-Ogre boots Freddy gets +1 Impact when he wins in melee.
Flaw: Sauce (Flintloque: WIC, p.54)
Mad Micky Hooligan (Section Second)
A Guinelean Bog Orc of very average stature
Experienced Bog Orc Regular
Orc Bessie Musket, Bayonet
Trait: Jammy Wound (Flintloque: WIC, p.59)
Flaw: Sauce – (Flintloque: WIC, p.54)
Tricky Dickie
Experienced Orc Regular
Dickie is very much like Freddy but perhaps a little quieter and one of the best ‘acquirers’ in the whole army of Albion. (Note; for acquirer read thief – but don’t say that to his face).
Skill: Don’t Ask – Dickie has the ability to find pretty much anything given half a chance. Before any game choose any standard weapon that can be carried by one Orc. Roll 1D10. On a roll of 1-3 Dickie has managed to acquire that weapon (if a firearm, he has also obtained 1D10 rounds). When playing with an umpire Dickie can also aquire other items, speak to them before the game with your ideas.
Viragio the Deaf Olde Dwarf
Veteran Dwarf Regular
Like a loyal puppy... actually nothing like a puppy. More like a loyal ragging boar.
Armed with pistol and knife concealed in his beard.
Skill: Brawler (Flintloque: WIC, p.52)
Freddy’s Unlikely Heroes must sneak into Atria, find the pharmacy, acquire the Atrinine by any means necessary (steal, buy or barter). Then get the h*ll out of there as quickly as possible, ideally without a single shot being fired and without any casualties.
Freddy acheives a complete victory if the Atrinine is found and removed from the gaming table from any table edge.
The Redcoats of Harlesspool, under the command of Josiah Widgit
This is Josiah’s one - and only - opportunity to show those ‘stuffed-shirts’ back at Orcs Guard that he is actually worthy of this commission. And, much more importantly, he had definitely heard the monkey-hanger chant. There was no way that insult was going to go unpunished. Besides, Josiah would just love to see the stuffed monkey replaced with a real ‘pointy-eared’ Elf.
Josiah achieves victory if he is able to survive and inflict more casualties on the Ferach Marines that his group sustain.
You can use the sample section of Albion Orcs in Flintloque: WIC, p.57 to represent Josiah’s section or create your own using the standard rules.
Ferach Marines
Pretty simple really. Those “Mun Kay ‘Ang ‘Ers” are going to pay dearly for what they did. No quarter. No survivors. (This should be shouted at every opportunity, ideally in a mad mock-French accent for added effect).
The Ferach Marines achieve victory if they can retrieve the Monkey’s earthly remains (after all he deserves a decent hero’s burial). They should also kill more Redcoats than they have casualties.
The example Elven section in the War in Catalucia rulebook (p.55) are not marines but you could easily use it and give them the Marine troop type. Alternatively you can generate your own section as normal.
Catalucian Guerrillas
This group should be played as an independent force. They are free to choose to help or hinder any side they wish. The Ferach in Catalucia are invaders, while the Red Coats are allies of those stinking Goblins of Al Garvey. They could even fight as a truly independent force not allying with anyone.
Whichever side that they decide to fight on, they achieve victory if they can be on the winning side. The winning side could be a Free Catalucia revolutionary force under a new flag of freedom. (These Catalucians have very strange ideas about winning and losing).
You can use El Murdo’s Dark Elven section on p.61 of War in Catalucia to represent the Guerrillas of Atria or create your own section.
The Barons
Business first. Protect their assets and worry about who is left to govern Atria afterwards. After all we all know the truth – the Barons control both the civille and governmental offices through bribes and threats.
For a less complicated game they can be represented by adding a few unique individuals to the Catalucian Guerrillas.
If you play this group as a separate force, your main aim is to maintain the Status Quo, while hanging on to the Atrinine would help with profit margins.
I always saw this group as a hindrance force - perhaps use the excellent Flintloque solitaire rules with a defensive setting. However if a fifth player takes full control of them, the Barons achieve victory if they can keep the Atrinine or if using an umpire perhaps attempt to get paid for supplying it to one of the other forces.
Running Monkey Business – The Umpire
The scenario calls for at least two players, but was written for four players and an umpire. Much like a traditional tabletop roleplaying session the umpire is there to make the game flow well and more enjoyable for all the players involved. The town of Atria is full of potential for the umpire to build on. The townsfolk, for example, could all be hiding to avoid trouble or in the middle of their annual bull running festival. It’s up to them. The umpire is encouraged to use such events to bring life to any particular engagement as well as balance things a bit if they’re going to well (or badly) for any party.
The umpire achieves victory if all players have a damned good time.
Authors Note
Monkey Hangers – a little far-fetched? Nope. It actually happened and inhabitants of Hartlepool are still subjected to chants of Monkey Hangers when visiting football supporters are in town. You can read about it online here. Nothing is as weird as real life.
I wanted to write and adventure where there was real animosity, two sides really out to massacre each other, the Monkey-Hangers chants should ensure that the Ferach and Redcoats are really at each other’s throats for the whole game. If there is any doubt as to the ferocity of the bile between these two sides – you could try using the either the flaw ‘Foul Temper’ (Flintloque: WIC, p.54) or the Goblin flaw ‘Too Keen’ (Flintloque: WIC, p.60) for all the redcoats and marines to represent their hatred for each other to make the game even harsher.
As always with my little stories and scenarios, try not to get Freddy killed, I need him for further adventures.
Miniatures for your Collection
VLE09 Foul Mouth Freddy
This code is limited to only 250 packs before the master and molds are destroyed. Supplied with numbered insert containing optional rules and uniform guide. This ninth code in the Very Limited Edition range is, like the others, limited to 250 numbered packs only.
Foul Mouth Freddy is currently available now from Alternative Armies webstore.
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Foul Mouth Freddy Will Return !
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Webmaster's Notes
This article was originally published on Alternative Armies' content portal, Barking Irons, and is reproduced here with permission.
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The Complete Adventures of Foul Mouth Freddy
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See Freddy take on a heavy gun emplacement armed only with a squad of beer loving Dwarfs. "
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Watch with wonder as Freddy finds true love in the Welsh mountains.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Fools the ****ing Ferach"
Can Freddy survive as a Ferach unit try and take valuable relics from an ancient tower which Freddy happens to using for cover.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Divides the ****ing Loot"
Freddy and his companions must retreat through hostile territory with a variety of loot 'acquired' from the pointy-eared Ferach B******s.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Scours the ****ing Town"
After a night of debauchery can Freddy find a variety of things he lost in a booze fuelled haze.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Speeds Through the ****ing Forest"
Freddy must race across the countryside on horseback past local bandits and the ever vigilante Provosts using only his wits and a **** load of bribes.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Sneaks Past the ****ing Guards"
After scouring the town and speeding through the forest, Freddy's quarantined camp is in sight. Can he return the items he 'borrowed' and get back to his tent before roll call at 12 Noon?
"Foul Mouth Freddy Takes ****ing Charge"
Having been busted to Private for his excursion to Burrow Port, Freddy must take charge of a green group of Provosts when they come under enemy fire on the way to his Court Marshal.
"Foul Mouth Freddy and The ****ing Kartoffenburg Mash-up"
Valon's loveable anti-hero returns once again to OITW, this time in a full 15,000 word novella, Freddy's biggest adventure to date!
"Monkey Business"
Foul Mouth Freddy and his group of Unlikely Heroes must sneak into the town of Atria searching for urgent supplies whilst Orc redcoats and Elf marines settle an old deep set grudge.
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