"Foul Mouth Freddy Saves the ****ing Sheep"
A Flintloque Scenario by Tony Harwood
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Miniature and Photo by Tony Harwood
In parts of Taffsea, hidden in deep, lush valleys there are many legends of fair folk and evil doings. This is the story of how Foul Mouth Freddy found true love in this most unusual of places...
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In parts of Taffsea, hidden in deep, lush valleys there are many legends of fair folk and evil doings. This is the story of how Foul Mouth Freddy found true love in this most unusual of places.
After years of service to Kyng Georgie-Porgie, the toilet-mouthed Orc sergeant was once again complaining that luck had ****ing left him. Trudging through horizontal rain Freddy was leading a small group of similarly sodden Orcs along a small valley in Taffsea. Their job was to round up some black sheep and herd them to a company of very hungry Orcs. Freddy had been given enough gold and silver coin of the Kyng’s own currency to purchase the meat but, ever the opportunist, our hero had other ideas about getting the sheep and planned on using the cash to help pay off some of his gambling debts – of which there were many!
So after hours of searching the hills in ****ing wet and ****ing windy weather the Orcs had eventually found six sheep and were slowly making their long way down the valley back to thier camp. In the distance they saw an inviting light flickering in the window of a tiny one-room stone hovel half way up one side of the valley sheltered in what looked like a natural depression. Given it was getting late and the weather worsening Freddy decided to take a chance on there being some warm food (and perhaps maybe even a drink) to break their journey.
Foul-mouth ordered the other Orcs to settle the sheep and banged on the rickety door with the butt of his flintloque, scant seconds before barging the door open and entering the house regardless of the occupants wishes. Once inside, Freddy was (for once) speechless – not even one ****ing "****"! The reason for his silence was because opposite him, in the hut, sat one of the most buxom She-Orcs he had ever seen. The She-Orc Thelma, sat at the side of the open fire, weeping.
What the ****ing **** is going on here? Screamed Freddy, which to his surprise instead of making matters worse (as usually happened in situations like these), actually had the opposite effect as Thelma looked up fortified and yelled back, Some thieving b******s have been nicking my b****y sheep! Freddy's mouth fell open and instantly he was smitten, a beautiful She-Orc with a mouth just like his dear old Mum.
The next morning, and after handing over all his money to Thelma – yes, all ! The Kyng’s shillings, his own money pouch and even the lucky double-headed silver 6d coin he had been given as a child (to swindle the other young Orcs at the newly opened borstal). In fact Freddy had even persuaded the other Orcs into handing over their cash, with threats of b****y murder if they b****y well didn’t!
But instead of leaving the beautiful Thelma there and alone, Freddy had other ideas (other more lustful ideas (as only a grown Orc soldier could have) - and had coerced Thelma into accompanying them down to the Orc camp with promises of even more riches. Surprisingly Thelma agreed and without to much persuading or promises of more gold.
That day – Freddy, his section of three Orcs, Thelma and six black sheep started to make their way down the valley as the weather had improved significantly, now the rain was falling diagonally and the clouds were only black!
Smitten with Thelma giving no thought of any possibility of trouble Freddy allowed his guard to slip and it came as a surprise to Freddy when Thelma whispered that a group of 13 Boggies would attack the party after the next twist in the path! Not pausing for a second to give thought for how Thelma knew this, Freddy in his usual manner alerted his troops to the upcoming danger - "Get your ****ing guns ready for a b****y attack by **** coloured Goblins lads! Make your first b****y shots count too as in this weather you can’t ****ing rely on b****y black powder b****y igniting first ****ing time."
"If at all" he whispered under his breath.
The first shots of the skirmish were at point-blank range and it is not clear who was the more surprised, the Boggies or Freddy (given that he now realised Thelma’s prediction was 100% ****ing right!). What followed was even more surprising – for as the Boggies attacked Thelma took on the persona of a mad bull, a mad bull that had been stung by all the bees in a rather large hive! She was like a possessed creature physically tearing the Boggies limb from limb and throwing the discarded pieces in all directions. Freddy and the three Orcs fought bravely, having discharged their weapons, swinging their flintlocks like clubs and using the bayonets as daggers (as the rain had in fact made the chance of a successful re-load, impossible) but against such odds it was Thelma who won the day for them.
Following the skirmish – well massacre really, the remaining Orcs were appalled to see Thelma noisily sucking the blood from the now dead and dying Boggies. Freddy however was head-over-heels in love!
For Thelma is in fact a Glaistig or part fairy part goat (the goat part is well hidden under her skirt) who lures men through her fairy good looks and then takes great pleasure killing them and drinking their blood. Although Glaistig’s are also known to be very good at herding goats, sheep and cattle! As was the case with Thelma, who had been kicked-out of her adopted family and sent to tend to the sheep when the ‘goat-like’ lower limbs has become too obvious.
Historical Note
The purely libelous and un-true stories about Sheep Loving (or as Foul Mouth Freddy would say Sheep - Sh****ng) Taffsea Hobgoblins may have began as a result of this short tale.
The Albion Orcs and their Taffsea Hobgoblin allies, who were not afraid of taking verbal abuse from their adversaries be it true or not, found it difficult to harm any of the sheep that came down the pass with Foul Mouth. Not because of any nocturnal practices, but mainly because stories of how Thelma had dealt with the Boggies soon spread amongst the superstitious Orc soldiers and although there continued to be marriages between Orc and sheep, these were (on the whole) tollerated by senior officers of the Albion Army, the practice of 'bedding' sweet young sheep has never actually been proven (well proven beyond doubt, anyway).
Mavanwee, one of the surviving sheep later became the regimental mascot, a tradition that continues to this day - although good sense now allows only Rams and not Ewes to be given this title and honour.
Gaming Foul Mouth Freddy Saves the ****ing Sheep
The Flintloque scenario below follows the skirmish between Freddy, his Orc section and Thelma and the 13 unfortunate Boggies.
Freddy has his flintloque and sword, the three Orcs are armed with flintlocks and bayonets (but the wet weather has meant that the flintlocks will only fire on a die role of 1, 2 or 3 on a D10). For the remainder of the skirmish re-loading will be useless as the weather is just too bad, so use the flintlocks as clubs and the bayonets as daggers as per the standard melee rules.
For the Boggies use either Fantasy Goblins, Orcs or even Dwarves and arm them with clubs, axes and hammers – with no more than three having access to black powder weapons (same rule as above – as the weather will effect these weapons just as much as the Orcs).
Special Rules
1 Wet Weather – see above, but also visibility could be reduced.
2 Thelma will be quiet and play no major part in this scenario until any of her sheep are deemed to be either directly attacked or threatened with attack. At which point she will fly into a mad and uncontrollable blood frenzy, literally tearing the Goblins limb-from-limb. For stats treat as strength of an Ogre and the same frenzied attack as a werewolf vs. a Dog Soldier!
3 Thelma cannot be killed – if her wounds fall to 0, she is just stunned and will collapse, to be brought back to consciousness with a kiss from her hero Foul Mouth Freddy!
4 Thelma will not allow any harm to come to her ‘precious little babies’ – or Freddy (who she has somehow become very fond of. Maybe it’s the smooth way he has with b****y words).
5 Boggies are not the best of fighters or the bravest, so once the casualties are down under half (below 7 left standing) they will break off and run away, never to return.
Table set-up
3 foot x 4 or 5 foot with rocks to either long edge and some rough cover. A path should run from short edge to short edge and the Boggies should attack as near to the centre of the table as possible. There will be no surprise as Thelma has predicted the attack.
Victory Conditions
Freddy – secure the safe passage of Thelma (Cupids ****ing arrows have hit the bulls-eye this time).
Orcs – to secure at least 4 sheep of the lower table edge. that’s one each for fun and a fourth to feed the troops – but don’t let Thelma get wind of their intentions!
Thelma – the protection of her little babies and Freddy!
Boggies – steal at least 4 sheep and try to get off the table with more than half the troops intact, OK – they will settle for 7 walking wounded leaving the table, any edge.
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Author Note
Thelma will play an important role in the life of Foul Mouth Freddy – so try not to get either killed.
Webmaster's Notes
An Orcs in the Webbe Original ! Tony wrote this as a special request to celebrate St Davids Day 2010.
Foul Mouth Freddy has been a huge hit with Flintloque fans ever since he first appeared here on OITW a few years ago, he has had several adventures published here on OITW as well as some on Alternative Armies online content portal - Barking Irons.
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Foul Mouth Freddy Will Return*
* Even if he got shot to bits, Freddy's lucky like that...
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The Complete Adventures of Foul Mouth Freddy
"Foul Mouth Freddy Spikes The ****ing Gun"
See Freddy take on a heavy gun emplacement armed only with a squad of beer loving Dwarfs. "
"Foul Mouth Freddy Saves The ****ing Sheep"
Watch with wonder as Freddy finds true love in the Welsh mountains.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Fools the ****ing Ferach"
Can Freddy survive as a Ferach unit try and take valuable relics from an ancient tower which Freddy happens to using for cover.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Divides the ****ing Loot"
Freddy and his companions must retreat through hostile territory with a variety of loot 'acquired' from the pointy-eared Ferach B******s.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Scours the ****ing Town"
After a night of debauchery can Freddy find a variety of things he lost in a booze fuelled haze.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Speeds Through the ****ing Forest"
Freddy must race across the countryside on horseback past local bandits and the ever vigilante Provosts using only his wits and a **** load of bribes.
"Foul Mouth Freddy Sneaks Past the ****ing Guards"
After scouring the town and speeding through the forest, Freddy's quarantined camp is in sight. Can he return the items he 'borrowed' and get back to his tent before roll call at 12 Noon?
"Foul Mouth Freddy Takes ****ing Charge"
Having been busted to Private for his excursion to Burrow Port, Freddy must take charge of a green group of Provosts when they come under enemy fire on the way to his Court Marshal.
"Foul Mouth Freddy and The ****ing Kartoffenburg Mash-up"
Valon's loveable anti-hero returns once again to OITW, this time in a full 15,000 word novella, Freddy's biggest adventure to date!
"Monkey Business"
Foul Mouth Freddy and his group of Unlikely Heroes must sneak into the town of Atria searching for urgent supplies whilst Orc redcoats and Elf marines settle an old deep set grudge.
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